Beauty Tips from an Ex-Lesbian

OK, don’t ask me what I was doing perusing the testimonials section of the Exodus International website—I thought I was on Gay.com, I swear!!!—but God bless those ex-gays, they’ve got so much shit to deal with—I imagine it’s hard work losing that lisp and pretending to be straight!!—they really don’t need some irreverent smartass making fun of them.

But one testimonial in particular caught my eye. It’s from an ex-lesbian talking about her “restoration” (i.e. her transition from lesbianism to ex-lesbianism), and I think it’s worth posting because it encapsulates the utter ridiculousness that is at the heart of the entire ex-gay “ministry.” I kid you not, this quote is for real:

“During my years of restoration, I also began to learn about this thing called womanhood. Goodness! Who knew there was so much to learn: plucking eyebrows, hair bleaches, hair waxings, facial mud masks, eye lash curlers, manicures, pedicures, push-up bras, tummy tuckers, rear-end boosters, last year’s colors, and next year’s fashions?”

All you born-again ex-lesbians out there, make no mistake: it’s not enough to stop sleeping with women; you need to be gorgeous too. I guess this is what you’d call a “lipstick ex-lesbian.”

I guess she was so focused on all those Biblical passages proscribing lesbian sex (and filling her closet with fancy underwear from Victoria’s Secret) that she missed the New Testament’s own unique brand of beauty advice to 1st-century Christian women: “Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes.”
1 Peter 3:3